Preparing to walk away

I am officially a "school mom." Last week Isabel had her preschool orientation. It was her first day, but parents stayed, too. Today was her first day by herself. We have been looking forward to this day all summer. She was ecstatic! I was a little stressed, wanting to make sure everything was done right - the parking lot, the drop-off, her bag packed properly, every detail. I was so focused on those details, I didn't prepare myself for walking away. A little detail, but it's a big one when your first child starts school.

Every parent talks about the difficulties of letting go. I've listened and heeded their advice. I've tried to take advantage of every moment with my kids, never wishing away a single day. And I continually remind myself these kids do not belong to me; rather, they belong to God. He has entrusted them to me for a short while, but they are not mine. This mindset has been great. I've never struggled leaving kids with babysitters or encouraging them to try new things. I parent with an open hand. I did not expect to feel the way I did this morning.

Isabel ran into her class. I tucked her bag in her cubby, and she donned her frog name tag. She waved "hello" to her teacher then turned to send me on my way. "Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! I love you!" I stood alone in the middle of the class just watching her. My hands were empty and my chest tight. She hustled over to some toys and greeted the other students. "Hi! How are you today?" She was so happy! So why was it so hard to walk away?

Rick and I filed back to the car with Zachary in tow. He, by the way, was thrilled to have our undivided attention. He laughed the whole way home. We dropped Daddy off at the train station. It wasn't until then that I felt myself breathe again. My throat has been tight all day. I've not cried. I refuse to do so. I have prayed ... a lot! Zach and I have had a wonderful time reading books. We've truly enjoyed our one-on-one time and look forward to having more of it. But still, my baby ...

It's impossible to adequately describe how my heart walks outside of me! I watch her go and desperately long to keep her close. I cling to the memories we've made together. I relish her laughter. Oh, if I could bottle the light in her eyes! And this is just the beginning. It's only preschool. I've still got regular school, summer camps, high school and college to look forward to. If three years can pass in a moment, I've very few days before she'll be a woman on her own.

God, please give me wisdom! Help me to use wisely the time You've given me with these children. Make me like You that they may witness Your love on a daily basis. Help me to teach them Your truths, to instill in them a passion for Your Word and a desire to serve You wholly. Make me worthy of Your goodness. Mold me into the steward these treasures require. You are always faithful! Help me to be the same. Prepare them for the world they must face. Use me to ready them for Your use. May they grow deeply devoted to You and the work You have prepared for them ...