Rick and I were convinced we were great parents -- until Zach was born. For some reason nothing that worked with Isabel worked with him. In fact, it often caused the opposite effect. How could two children from the same gene pool be so polarizing? Isabel was compliant and easy-going. Zachary would scream at the top of his lungs because his pantleg was stuck around his calf instead of his ankle. Isabel slept through the night at nine weeks and never looked back. Zachary is two-and-a-half and still struggling to master this skill. They're both really good kids, but the way they process the world around them is drastically different. Why? Temperaments.
I am happy to be hosting this stop of Brenda Nixon's blog tour. A parenting expert, speaker and author, Brenda travels the country doing seminars for parents, caregivers and child educators. Her number one topic is discipline. Close behind that are toilet teaching, understanding temperament, and boosting a child’s school success. Today I'm going to pick her brain on temperaments.
What are temperaments? What does it mean?
While the precise definition is controversial, temperament is generally accepted as a natural, stable style of reaction to people, places, and things. In other words, temperament is the how - not the why (motivation) - of a person’s behavior. This way of responding to the world is genetically determined and as unique as hair color and height. There’s no such thing as a good or bad temperament. It just is, and kids can’t change their temperament anymore than they can change who gave birth to them.
The realization that some behavioral tendencies are innate, and not the result of parenting, is one of the most liberating insights parents gain from learning about temperament. By recognizing a child’s temperament, parents can create effective discipline techniques rather than butting heads with their child. They can tailor their expectations and encouragement to suit each child’s needs. By tuning into a child’s temperament, parents can recognize their child’s strengths and will subsequently find life more enjoyable.
You mean it's not my fault?! Knowing that my kids' temperaments are innate has been a huge relief for me! I swam in feelings of failure, being judged by my peers and family members because my kids just didn't fit the mold. Knowing how they're wired helps me prep them for success; make it easy for them to do well and be accepted by others.
But this could be confusing. How are temperaments different from personalities?
Imagine a large umbrella labeled “personality.” Under that umbrella are two forces: nature and nurture. Your child is born with a natural way of responding to life: his temperament. How a parent responds to, or nurtures, a growing child has tremendous impact on him. When you combine a child’s inborn temperament (nature) with the parenting he receives (nurture), you get the development of personality.
I understand temperament research was started in the late 1950s by husband and wife team, Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess. You told me they were both medical doctors and professors of psychiatry. Thomas and Chess noted characteristics present at birth that continued to influence development throughout life, which they broke into nine categories. What are those categories?
- Activity Level
- Regularity (Rhythmicity)
- Approach/Withdrawal: The initial response to new stimuli.
- Adaptability
- Sensory Threshold (also called Sensitivity)
- Quality of Mood
- Persistence (Attention Span)
- Distractibility
- Intensity of Reaction
A problem we've experienced comes from having too similar or dissimilar temperaments with our children. We call them our clones; Isabel is exactly like me and Zach is just like their dad. Trying to raise a child who is very different from me is difficult! What advice would you give?
Most parents want a positive, emotionally close relationship with their kids. Different temperaments can strain that relationship; a parent and child are “out of sync.” Imagine a child who is slow to warm up to new people or situations living with a parent who frequently moves. The child might act irritable, and the baffled parent doesn’t understand or know what to say.
Exactly! I struggle with patience and understanding. So what can I do?
There are ways to use your knowledge of temperament to help improve your parent/child relationship.
- Change the way you perceive your child. Just knowing that certain aspects of your child’s behavior are biologically based can make a difference in how you see and nurture him.
- Helpful self-talk can be your survival. Try saying, “This is my child with a challenging behavior,” not, “This is my challenging child.”
- Use positive words to describe his behavior as a way to enhance his self-image (and your sanity). For example, you can say, “My child is goal-oriented,” rather than, “He’s pigheaded.”
- Honor uniqueness. Kids don’t have to see, feel, and act like you. Mature parents recognize that children are unique and approach the world with their own style, even if they’re difficult to understand. Work with your child rather than always demand he change. Even small adjustments – like cutting the tags out of clothing for the sensitive child – can make a difference in how he feels and behaves.
- Stop the guilt. Avoid assuming every real or imagined challenge with your child is a sign you’ve failed. Some kids won’t turn out exactly as we’d like, no matter how great we were as parents.
This has been a great help. For parents who want to learn more, you've recommended Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book has been SO very helpful for us! I've got a full review of over on my Bookshelf. What other resources do you recommend?
Some other books you might find helpful include Understanding Your Child’s Temperament by WB Carey and The Difficult Child (revised edition) by Stanley Turecki. I posted a free article with more in-depth information about temperaments on the Articles page of my website at http://www.brendanixon.com/articles.htm. An internet search on “temperaments” will also produce lots of reading. My live presentation about this topic is available on audio CD for $10. If anyone wants to learn more, they can order a CD by sending $10 to me at: PO Box 1302, Mount Vernon, OH 43050.
Brenda, THANK YOU for talking with us today!
If you're interested in having Brenda come to your MOPS or parenting group, you can get more information about her speaking engagements on her website: http://www.brendanixon.com/. Also, Brenda will be hanging out here for while. If you have any specific questions for her, post them in the comments section! She'll post her responses there within the next couple days.
See what Brenda has to say at her next tour stop: Little Blots of Faith with Valerie on January 20th. Be sure to visit her last stop, too, with Beth at Mommy Come Lately.
Labels: blog tours, parenting
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If you click on the picture, it will get bigger for you. Her name is at the bottom in blue. Only the "S" is backwards. Also, she drew a "T" inside a circle because she plans to send this picture to her Tia. The rest of the picture is, according to Ellie, a self-portrait of her as a monster. Notice the big teeth, eyes, cheeks and curly hair. She even drew little fingers at the ends of her arms. Not bad for a three-year-old, eh?
